I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator