Me trying to “trust the process”
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Finished stitching this today 😇
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.