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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire