My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
No way!
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.