client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
same vibe as tangled headphones
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.