A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI