I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great