You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet