Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You Might Also Like
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.