Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️