[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
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I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?