*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
You Might Also Like
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Lmao the reply
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life