I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir