If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
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Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”