this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.