One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]