supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?