Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks