I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
That’s no pocket rocket.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.