‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.