If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure