I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
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[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.