trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer