*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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Made something I’m not proud of
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
*sewing*
A thread
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical