*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I came this close!!!!