11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew