*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.