13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*