Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
The Book. The Movie.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.