I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.