My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
where do you see yourself in five years?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
lmao
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill