HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.