This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings