I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
craving $300 all of a sudden
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”