[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Mornin
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?