me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.