If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”