*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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dads on road-trips be like
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.