Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes