“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.