I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.