What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
time machine? you mean a clock?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My nickname in high school was “who?”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?