I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”