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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now