I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
happy friday
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron