I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Attacked by a mop.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar