friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You know…for fall…
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Ugh but profoundly
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Not😆🤣
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating