My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?