My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Money is the root of all wealth
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.