it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
This is my emotional support knife.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?